XANDER'S APARTMENT - MORNING
ANYA is sitting at the KITCHEN
TABLE, reading the NEWSPAPER.
XANDER enters. Both are in their
sleepwear.
ANYA
Hey, baby. You don't have to go to work?
XANDER
Nah, I shut the crew down for the day. My guys
started dancing around me, I don't know if I
can deal. It's a flab thing. So... waffles?
ANYA
Will you still make me waffles when we're
married?
XANDER
No, I'll only make them for myself but by
California law, you will own half of them.
(kisses her on the cheek)
Hey, how about omelets? You know, I can do an
omelet. I've almost got that pan flipping thing
down...
ANYA spins in her chair to address
the audience.
"I'LL NEVER TELL"
ANYA
THIS IS THE MAN THAT I PLAN TO ENTANGLE
ISN'T HE FINE?
MY CLAIM TO FAME WAS TO MAIM AND TO MANGLE
VENGEANCE WAS MINE
BUT I'M OUT OF THE BIZ
THE NAME I MADE I'LL TRADE FOR HIS
THE ONLY TROUBLE IS...
I'LL NEVER TELL
XANDER
SHE IS THE ONE, SHE'S SUCH WONDERFUL FUN,
SUCH PASSION AND GRACE
WARM IN THE NIGHT
WHEN I'M RIGHT IN HER TIGHT --
EMBRACE! TIGHT EMBRACE!
I'LL NEVER LET HER GO
THE LOVE WE'VE KNOWN CAN ONLY GROW
THERE'S JUST ONE THING THAT --
NO. I'LL NEVER TELL
XANDER & ANYA
'CAUSE THERE'S NOTHING TO TELL
ANYA
HE SNORES
XANDER
SHE WHEEZES
ANYA
SAY "HOUSEWORK" AND HE FREEZES
XANDER
(holding up some skeezy cheese)
SHE EATS THESE SKEEZY CHEESES
THAT I CAN'T DESCRIBE
ANYA
I TALK, HE BREEZES
XANDER
SHE DOESN'T KNOW WHAT "PLEASE" IS
ANYA
HIS PENIS GOT DISEASES
FROM A CHUMASH TRIBE
XANDER & ANYA
THE VIBE GETS KIND OF SCARY
XANDER
LIKE SHE THINKS I'M ORDINARY
ANYA
LIKE IT'S ALL JUST TEMPORARY
XANDER
LIKE HER TOES ARE KIND OF HAIRY
XANDER & ANYA
BUT IT'S ALL VERY WELL
'CAUSE GOD KNOWS I'LL NEVER TELL
XANDER picks up the newspaper and
holds it up in front of his face.
ANYA
WHEN THINGS GET ROUGH HE
JUST HIDES BEHIND HIS BUFFY
NOW LOOK HE'S GETTIN' HUFFY
'CAUSE HE KNOWS THAT I KNOW
XANDER
(lowers newspaper)
SHE CLINGS, SHE'S NEEDY
SHE'S ALSO REALLY GREEDY
SHE NEVER --
ANYA
(stepping in front of Xander)
HIS EYES ARE BEADY!
XANDER
THIS IS MY VERSE! HELLO?
SHE --
ANYA starts dancing crazy to
upstage him.
ANYA
(spoken)
Look at me! I'm dancing crazy!
XANDER watches her for a moment,
then joins in. They dance around
the apartment during the musical
break, then things slow down.
XANDER & ANYA
YOU KNOW...
XANDER
YOU'RE QUITE THE CHARMER
ANYA
MY KNIGHT IN ARMOR
XANDER
YOU'RE THE CUTEST OF THE SCOOBIES
WITH YOUR LIPS AS RED AS RUBIES
AND YOUR FIRM YET SUPPLE --
TIGHT EMBRACE!
They sit at opposite ends of the
kitchen table.
ANYA
HE'S SWELL
XANDER
SHE'S SWELLER
ANYA
HE'LL ALWAYS BE MY FELLA
XANDER
THAT'S WHY I'LL NEVER TELL HER
THAT I'M PETRIFIED
ANYA
I'VE READ THIS TALE
THERE'S WEDDING THEN BETRAYAL
I KNOW THERE'LL COME THE DAY
I'LL WANT TO RUN AND HIDE
They both climb onto the table and
crawl across toward each other.
XANDER & ANYA
I LIED, I SAID IT'S EASY
I'VE TRIED
(They meet in the middle and sing cheek to
cheek)
BUT THERE'S THESE FEARS I CAN'T QUELL
They turn to sit back to back.
XANDER
IS SHE LOOKING FOR A POT OF GOLD?
ANYA
WILL I LOOK GOOD WHEN I'VE GOTTEN OLD?
XANDER
WILL OUR LIVES BECOME TOO STRESSFUL
IF I'M NEVER THAT SUCCESSFUL?
ANYA jumps down from the table,
followed by XANDER
ANYA
WHEN I GET SO WORN AND WRINKLY
THAT I LOOK LIKE DAVID BRINKLEY?
XANDER
AM I CRAZY?
ANYA
AM I DREAMIN'?
XANDER
AM I MARRYING A DEMON?
They join hands, and dance.
XANDER & ANYA
WE COULD REALLY RAISE THE BEAM
IN MAKING MARRIAGE A HELL!
XANDER dips ANYA.
XANDER & ANYA (cont'd)
SO THANK GOD I'LL NEVER TELL
I SWEAR THAT I'LL NEVER TELL
They begin moving toward the COUCH
XANDER
(mimes locking his lips with a key)
MY LIPS ARE SEALED
ANYA
(raises her right hand)
I TAKE THE FIFTH
XANDER
(motioning to audience)
NOTHIN' TO SEE
MOVE IT ALONG
XANDER & ANYA
I'LL NEVER... TELL!
They fall together onto the COUCH,
laughing too cheerfully to be
true.
WILLOW AND TARA'S BEDROOM
WILLOW lays in BED, just waking
up. TARA enters with her toiletry
bag having just come back from
brushing her teeth.
TARA
Bad dreams, Baby?
WILLOW
Huh?
TARA
All that tossing and turning. I felt like I was
wrestling with you all night... and not in the
fun way.
WILLOW
Oh, yeah...
(points to her head)
It was just a bit noisy up here.
TARA
(sits on the bed)
You're still worried about Buffy...
WILLOW
(unconvincing)
Worried? No... no, she's fine. It's all good.
TARA
Hey, Will, this is me. It doesn't all have to
be "good" and "fine." If you're worried you can
be worried.
WILLOW
(she sits up)
Well, I'm not... unworried.
I mean, what she went through was...intense.
That's gotta change you.
TARA smiles and gives WILLOW a
hug.
WILLOW (cont'd)
Tara?
TARA
Yeah?
WILLOW
If she is alright...wouldn't you think she'd
be...happier? Like, wouldn't you think she
would be so happy that we brought her out?
TARA
Sure she is...
(She can tell what WILLOW'S thinking)
You thought she'd say thanks. Be more grateful.
WILLOW
Would I be a terrible person if I said "yes"?
TARA
Give her time. She'll get there.
WILLOW
Right. No need to be in a big furry hurry.
TARA
Exactly. I'm sure it's okay.
WILLOW
Yeah, it's fine... Everything's fine.
TARA
Hey, look on the bright side; at least you
didn't break out in song.
[more... ends with Willow improvising a
song badly]
SUNNYDALE STREET - DAY
PEDESTRIANS continually walk
through the scene.
They buy a hotdog from a Can-Can
dancing HOT DOG VENDOR (lifting
his apron as a skirt) then sit on
a PARK BENCH. OR sit at an outdoor
cafe while a waiter dances over to
deliver food.
XANDER
It's a nightmare! It's a plague! It's a
nightmare about a plague!
ANYA
It's like we're being watched. Like there was a
wall missing from our apartment.
XANDER
I didn't want to be saying things but they just
kept pouring out!
ANYA
Like there were only three walls and not a
fourth wall and my toes aren't hairy!
XANDER
And they rhymed and they were mean and my eyes
are not beady! Giles, you gotta stop it.
GILES
Well, I'm looking into some leads and I-I --
ANYA
Plus, clearly our number is a retro pastiche
that's never going to be a breakaway pop hit.
XANDER
Work with me, British man. Give me an axe and
show me where to point it.
GILES
As ever, it's not quite that simple. But I have
learned about some disturbing things.
Basically...
"THE PARKING TICKET"
WOMAN (O.S.)
(overlapping)
I'VE BEEN HAVING A BAD, BAD DAY
C'MON WON'T YOU PUT THAT PAD AWAY?
A PARKING INSPECTOR enters DSL and
walks across the front of the
stage. A second later a distressed
WOMAN holding a parking ticket
follows him.
WOMAN (cont'd)
I'M ASKING YOU, PLEASE, NO!
The WOMAN catches up to the
PARKING INSPECTOR and grabs him by
the arm. He stops and looks around
at her, unimpressed.
WOMAN (cont'd)
IT ISN'T RIGHT, IT ISN'T FAIR
THERE WAS NO PARKING ANYWHERE
I THINK THAT HYDRANT WASN'T THERE
The PARKING INSPECTOR turns away
and continues across the stage,
the WOMAN follows.
WOMAN (cont'd)
WHY CAN'T YOU LET IT GO?
I THINK I'VE PAID MORE THAN MY SHARE
The PARKING INSPECTOR and WOMAN
exit.
WOMAN (O.S.) (cont'd)
I'M JUST A POOR GIRL, DON'T YOU CARE?
HEY, I'M NOT WEARING UNDERWEAR...
XANDER
(overlapping)
...as in burnt up? Somebody set people on fire?
That's nuts!
ANYA
I don't know. One more verse of our little
ditty and I would have been looking for a gas
can.
3 STREET SWEEPERS enter US,
dancing to "BROOM DANCE".
GILES
Well, clearly emotions are running high, but as
far as I can tell, these people burned up from
the inside, they spontaneously combusted. I've
only seen the one. I was able to examine the
body while the police were taking witness
arias.
XANDER
Okay. But we're sure that the things are
related... the singing and dancing and burning
and dying?
GILES
We're not sure of much. Buffy's looking for
leads at local demon haunts. At least in theory
she is but she doesn't seem to...
XANDER
She's easing back into it. We pulled her out of
an untold hell dimension... ergo the weirdness.
The important thing is to be there for her.
GILES
I'm helping her as much as I can but...
They continue slowly offstage.
GILES gently shaking his head,
while ANYA awkwardly pats him on
back, trying to comfort him.
The STREET SWEEPERS continue their
dance to the end of "BROOM DANCE",
striking a pose on the last note.
BLACKOUT
DAWN'S ROOM - NIGHT
DAWN empties her schoolbag onto
the bed, just as TARA enters with
a plate of cookies.
TARA
(putting them on the dresser)
I bought you some cookies.
DAWN
Thanks.
TARA
Lot of homework?
DAWN
Math. It seemed cooler when we were singing
about it.
TARA
Willow said they have a lead on the whole
musical extravaganza evil. This demon that can
be summoned -- some sort of lord of the
dance.... Oh, but not the scary one. Just a
demon.
DAWN
Um...do they know who summoned it?
TARA
They don't even know its name yet, but Willow
will find out. She's a brainy type.
DAWN
I'm glad you guys made up.
TARA
What?
DAWN
That fight you guys had about Willow doing too
much magic and stuff? It gives me belly
rumblings when you guys fight.
TARA
Dawn, Willow and I never fought about --
DAWN
It's okay. It's just you guys are so great
together.
TARA now looks troubled. Her hand
moves up to her necklace.
DAWN (cont'd)
I just hate it when you... But that was the
only fight I've seen you guys have anyway.
TARA runs her fingers gently
around the necklace. She is
putting two and two together.
DAWN (cont'd)
But I'm still glad it's over.
TARA
Dawn, I, um.... There's something I need at the
shop. Will you be okay for a little while?
DAWN
Yes, the fifteen-year-old can spend half an
hour alone in her locked house.
TARA
I - I won't be gone long.
TARA exits. DAWN stretches her
neck looking to make sure TARA has
gone, then eagerly pulls the
TALISMAN she stole from the Magic
Shop out of her pocket.
She sits down on the bed, studying
it.
"DAWN'S LAMENT"
DAWN
DOES ANYBODY EVEN NOTICE?
PUPPET 1, who has been hiding
behind the bed, slowly rises to
his full height, right behind her.
She stands and takes a few step DS
as she puts the TALISMAN on.
PUPPET 1 moves around the bed,
right up behind her.
DAWN (cont'd)
DOES ANYBODY EVEN CARE?
DAWN begins to turn back around
and the PUPPET grabs her. DAWN
screams.
Suddenly PUPPET 2 and PUPPET 3,
holding a large bag enter from
opposite sides of the stage and
the three of them force her into
the bag.
BLACKOUT
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